Do bad drivers make bad boyfriends?

“I didn’t like his driving style. He was speeding, but it took us way too long to get there. I didn’t feel safe and he wouldn’t stop bitching about the traffic. The rest of the weekend was pretty fun though. I just don’t know if we’d work out.”

A friend shared this with me after getting home from a weekend trip with a guy she’s potentially interested in. She asked me how I felt about bad drivers.

“I like to feel safe while a guy is driving, but he should also have a sense of urgency and not be afraid to run a few yellow lights.” Wait, since when did I have such a strong preference in the driving skills of a romantic partner?

We easily recounted the guys we’d dated and the quirks of each of their driving habits. “Billy drove like a grandma,” “Brad was always zoning out and not really paying attention,” “Ben acted like he was driving a Ferrari, even though it was a Honda Civic.” My friend firmly concluded bad drivers aren’t for her (along with men who don’t like spicy food). This got me thinking.

How much is someone’s “driving style” an indicator of their personality/compatibility? And can we really use a simple formula like bad driver=bad boyfriend to predict the quality/duration of a relationship?

“The Illusion of Patterns” is a useful idea to consider in this situation. In “Thinking, Fast and Slow,” Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kahneman explains how the human mind is wired to see patterns, even where none actually exist. Kahneman concludes:

“Statistics produce many observations that appear to beg for causal explanations but do not lend themselves to such explanations. Many facts of the world are due to chance, including accidents of sampling. Causal explanations of chance events are inevitably wrong.”

So what does this mean for us? Our “statistics” consist of previous boyfriends and their driving habits, and the small # of past relationships= an “accident of sampling”. Are we seeing a pattern between the quality of guy and their driving skills that doesn’t actually exist? Does this mean we should abandon our bad drivers=bad boyfriends theory?

No, we will not, but we will be a bit more lenient in our judgement, and we will recognize driving style doesn’t always dictate the quality of a partner. This should apply to both men and women. Just because a girl is a crazy driver (me) doesn’t mean she’s a crazy girlfriend.

Don’t worry, I’ll be posting an awesome graph my friend created comparing people to their driving skills!

 

 

 

Reading Anna Karenina=Watching a car crash in slow motion.

“He’s one of those people who are quite agreeable if taken as they would like to appear.”

Your witty, well-spoken friend might say this about someone who is obsessed with their persona and dedicates ample time to crafting the perfect status updates and tweets.

This witty friend is actually Leo Tolstoy, and this sentence alone illustrates one reason Tolstoy is regarded as one of the greatest novelists of all time. He understands human nature, and he writes about it with almost painful precision. I just finished reading Anna Karenina, and even though I couldn’t help knowing how it ended (the book was first published in English in 1886, and people have been talking about it ever since), it was still a compelling and beautifully told story. If you don’t have time to enjoy this Russian epic of love, loss, and betrayal, here’s a quick summary of lessons learned:

1. Humans are rationalizers: In 3rd person fiction, an author usually implies or explains a character’s thought process. Tolstoy is so explicit and convincing in his prose; there is no need to question the motives or rational behind the choices characters make, even when you know (and they know) it can’t end well. Reading about a character’s logical, yet flawed, thought process, definitely reminded me of how I try and rationalize some questionable choices. And of course, it never ends well.

2. Don’t count on anyone else to make you happy: Or else you’ll end up like Anna under the train. Having an entire life centered around one person and their opinion of you is a dangerous game. Sure, it may seem like an antiquated notion, but I can easily recall the demoralizing crush of my first real break-up. Nothing like feeling you’ve lost your sense of self and purpose in the world at the ripe age of 19. Of course that was a key growing-up experience, and now I can honestly say if you can’t be happy by yourself, you definitely won’t be happy with someone else.

3. Following your heart isn’t the best advice: Way before the time of behavioral economics, Tolstoy knew people are not rational actors, and can’t accurately predict what will make them happy later on. Instant gratification is the name of the game, then and now. Anna knew having an affair could ruin her, and she did it anyway. Even when I know the probable consequences of an action, I’ll take it anyway. Seeing poor decisions play out in such a tragic way reminded me to think of the long-term before doing anything remotely questionable.

4. Happiness can only be found moment to moment: The scenes in which characters seem most fulfilled and content are ones in which they are fully engaged in any given activity. Levin is happy when he is working in the fields with the peasants. He can’t mope and obsess over the meaning of life and his existence; he’s too focused on the swing of his scythe. Kitty is content when throwing herself into a challenge, whether it’s caring for Levin’s dying brother or taking care of fellow in-patients at the old-school version of a MedSpa. Characters are happy when they stop worrying about themselves. Like Levin and Kitty, when I’m truly focused, there really isn’t room for anxiety and doubt to creep in.

 

I know it’s impossible to sum up the brilliance of Tolstoy in a single blog post. It’s like trying to describe the Mona Lisa in one word (although if I had to, it would probably be “small”). If you are seeking enlightening entertainment, reading Anna Karenina is well-worth your time. There is a reason it’s considered a classic, and the newest translation by Pevear/Volokhonsky is surprisingly easy to read. If you spent the time you usually dedicate to watching full seasons of Arrested Development and Desperate Housewives on Netflix to reading, you’d have it done in no time. (My guilty pleasure is Parks and Rec, so don’t worry, I’m not judging here).

 

Killing Career Anxiety

“My biggest fear is to wake up 10 years from now and wonder ‘how did I get here? why am I doing this?’ What if I make the wrong decisions now and have to start over later?”

A friend shared this while we were discussing whether we wanted to get back into the job search or go to graduate school. Here’s our story:

1. Liberal arts degrees (mine in history, her’s in psychology).

2. Currently working in restaurants.

3. Limited work history (a couple office jobs, some internships, more restaurants).

4. 1 million directions we can go in with our degrees (according to our college career counselors, parents, friends, and the public at large).

5. We’re so worried about making the wrong choice that we’ve managed to put off making any choices. The restaurant jobs pay the bills, and it’s a comfortable lifestyle (sleeping in and having week days off are pretty big perks).

My friend is having major career anxiety, but it’s not just her. I know plenty of grads in their first “real” job that are having anxiety about not doing exactly what they’d hoped to, and wondering if they’re wasting their time.

Fortunately, behavioral economics and the science of decision making has come a long way in the last few decades, and we can now confidently say that humans are not quite rational (Thanks, Dan Ariely), and they don’t know what will actually make them happy. This is a great message for recent grads.

Watch Barry Schwartz’s TEDtalk on the Paradox of Choice and take his advice.(http://www.ted.com/talks/barry_schwartz_on_the_paradox_of_choice.html?source=email#.UbVx5MF453F.email).

“The imagined alternative induces regret.” My friend is already anticipating the regret she’ll experience after picking one life path over another.

More options=more imagined alternatives=more regret.

Solutions?

1. Low Expectations: Don’t expect every job to be perfect. But do expect yourself to work hard and be the best version of yourself.

2. Building “Career Capital”: Another brilliant Cal Newport idea. You should be able to look back and say “sure, I didn’t love that job, but I learned *x,y,z* skills, and figured out I actually like *a,b,c* type of work.” This is why expecting the best of yourself, regardless of the situation, is key.

3. Make a choice and stick with it: Even if it’s the “wrong” choice, at least you’ll have gained some experience and insight.

For all the jobs I’ve applied to and didn’t get, I always tell myself “it’s good I didn’t get that job, because I know the one I’m going to get is even better.” Some might say I’m naive, but I prefer “pragmatically optimistic.” And being an optimist beats having anxiety any day.

Being well-rounded is overrated

Well-rounded people belong on college applications. There isn’t anything wrong with having diverse interests and skills, but it will definitely not get you noticed. The memorable people are the ones who were fantastic at one, maybe two things. I remember the socially awkward violin virtuoso from high school orchestra, but I can’t recall any details about any of the other mediocre musicians. They were presumably all well-rounded kids, whose extracurriculars included everything from debate club to the tennis team to volunteering at the animal shelter. I bet their college applications were packed with all the details admissions advisors drool over. But it’s the fantastic violin player that I can easily recall. She ended up at a top music school and is now doing what she loves for a living. Accomplishments aside though, she was memorable, and memorable people are not well-rounded. Memorable people are successful.

Anyone considered a visionary, genius, or leader of their field, is not well-rounded. Steve Jobs, Jane Goodall, Ernest Hemingway, Martha Stewart; as diverse as the group seems, all of these people were not interested in being well-rounded. They recognized their strengths and went to great lengths to refine and leverage them. They obsessed over their skills and how to capitalize on them to create the best product/idea/service, and it happened naturally. Realizing you’re good at something, then seeking to get better at it, is not a ground-breaking phenomenon. Little kids do this regularly, and it explains why some kids ended up on the soccer team, and others ended up in piano lessons (unless you had parents who early on decided your talents). And while kids might have a million interests, there are usually only a handful of things they want to pursue, and they don’t really care about getting good at other activities. I wanted to play violin, and I didn’t care that I flopped around the pool during swimming lessons, or never made a tennis ball over the net. The idea that we can grow the most in areas we are deficient in is outdated, and limits our real potential. If we narrow our focus to a few skills, then we can truly master them.

In Cal Newport’s manifesto for new job seekers, “So Good They Can’t Ignore You,” he elaborates on this idea and redefines how we should be going about our job search. The “Passion Mindset versus Crafstman Mindset” implores us to hone our skills and produce the best work we possibly can. Instead of asking “What does the world have to offer me?” (passion mindset), we should be asking “What can I offer the world?” (craftsman mindset). This is one of the keys to finding work you truly love, according to Newport. Taking pride in how good you are at what you do is absolutely essential. So let your obsessive side shine. Hope that people remember you as being ridiculously good at that one thing. Let’s not be pretty good at an array of skills and activities. Let’s be wildly good at a couple of things. As Steve Martin would say, “Be so good they can’t ignore you.”

And if you need more career advice and inspiration, “So Good They Can’t Ignore You” provides refreshing insights and strategies on finding work you love. I would highly recommend it to anyone that is on the hunt for a job, or looking to get more out of their current job.

When you think someone is criticizing you…

“WWSD?” While discussing the difficulties of writing a killer resume with my boyfriend, he was quick to tell me I don’t seem to have any trouble talking about my strengths. I instantly recoiled at his suggestion that I am good at bragging about myself and felt insulted. Then I thought, “What Would Sheryl Sandberg Do?” And she would tell me to own it. Writing about your strengths is not an easy skill, and my boyfriend thinks I have it. After a few moments of thinking, I turned to him and said “At first I was mad at you for saying that, but now I realize you are right, I am good at it. Thanks for pointing that out.” He laughed and said he’d meant the comment as a compliment in the first place. My own limiting view turned his compliment into an insult, but WWSD helped me switch it back. Thanks Sheryl!